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Personal Responsibility

Molly and Allan started their marriage with the highest of hopes. Molly had been a very lonely, unhappy person who had fled from an unhappy home and was living alone. Allan came from a home broken by a divorce. He was an independent person who did as he pleased. Molly liked his happy-go-lucky manner.

Their courtship was brief–a few months of whirlwind dating-then marriage and a happy life together (they thought).

It took only a few months for them to discover that marriage hadn't changed either one of them. Allan continued his independent ways, going and coming as he pleased–just being himself. Maybe he came home straight from work, maybe not.

When he didn't, he was confronted by a predictably cold, untouchable, angry woman. After listening to her tirades for a while, he would become increasingly disgusted and end up leaving the house, shouting at her.

The stuck it out for eleven long, miserable years–with Molly griping and complaining all the way. Allan just ignored her and continued to go his own way.

Finally, Allan announced that he was moving out, leaving the two children for Molly to worry about. Soon, he moved in with a girl friend.

As Molly told me her story, it was obvious that she was desperate. Her hands doubled into fists. Her voice shrilled. The tensed muscles in her face distorted her good looks.

"He comes home once a week to see the children," she told me. We have a boy, age nine, and a girl, almost eleven. All week long I have to fuss with those kids. Then on the weekend, here comes Allan. He's relaxed, smug, and happy. It really burns me up."

If Allan is relaxed when he comes, it doesn't last long. Molly furiously berates him with all the hostile words she can think of.

Each visit ends the same way. Allan finally blows up. The two of them start shouting at each other, even hitting each other.

"Every week is like a war," she told me. "I don't know what to do. I don't want a divorce. I want my marriage back. But I can't stand the sight of that man."

Obviously, what Allan is doing is wrong. Even in our permissive society, very few people would condone his living arrangement with his girl friend–especially when he is still married to Molly. The Bible is crystal clear on this: You shall not commit adultery (Deut. 5:18).

But Allan insists that his wife's behavior is driving him into his girl friend's arms. Because he says it, however, doesn't make it true. He is clearly wrong. When Molly storms around the house filled with tension, hostility, bitterness, and hatred, she surely isn't hurting Allan or his girl friend. They aren't there. She is alone, hurting only herself.

All this is going on underneath her own skin.

Molly insists that Allan causes her condition. If he would shape up, she would be a pleasant, responsive, happy woman. Because she says it so fervently, however, doesn't make her right. She also is wrong.

Allan and Molly have two problems, not one.

1. 1. What to do about the marriage.
2. 2. What to do about themselves.

 

Before anything can be done about the marriage, they need to do something about themselves. Allan refused to come to me for counseling, but Molly came back.

"Tell me how to find contentment in this mess," she pleaded.

She needed some instruction. So together, we took a look at some Bible verses: 

The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery, idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like (Gal. 5:19-21).

"The sinful nature" comes from within. Other people may give occasion for you to express it, but people don't cause it.

Which of these apply to Molly? hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions.

"What about Allan?" she shouted. "He's a lying, two-faced adulterer and blames me for driving him into that woman's arms."

True. Which of these apply to Allan? Sexual immorality, impurity, hatred, discord, fits of rage, dissensions.

If both Allan and Molly had a cold, each would need to be treated for his or her own cold. Likewise, each needed to deal with his or her own sinful nature.

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control: against such things there is no law” (Gal. 5:22-23).

What a relief it would be for Molly to be filled with such a Spirit. Especially when she was alone. Also, especially toward Allan.

"Why should I treat him like that?" she grumbled. "He doesn't deserve it."

True. He didn't. But why should his presence ruin her inner life and spoil her evenings?

Molly was noncommittal when she left. Isn't it strange how readily we accept and defend our outbursts of anger, disputes, and strife; and how steadfastly we resist love, joy, peace, and the rest of the fruit of the Spirit?

I've learned from my clients that the one who is mistreated tends to be preoccupied with the misdeeds of the offending one, but tends to justify personal negative behavior or reactions toward the offending person, even at the cost of personal misery.

The next time Molly came, I hardly recognized her. Her face was relaxed; the shrillness was gone from her voice. She was beautiful and content.

What had happened?

She had repented of her nastiness and had asked God to give her His spiritual qualities. She had dealt with herself.

"Now, do you still want to work on saving your marriage?" I asked. She said she did.

"Then, the next time Allan comes over, melt into his arms and give him a kiss such as you have never given him before."

Her response to that was: "Ugh."

"But let me warn you," I went on. "Don't be surprised if he doesn't respond."

Sure enough, the next time Allan showed up, she melted into his arms, and he got out of there and drove off.

He didn't know how to handle such behavior and fled, wondering what she was up to.

There is a happy ending to this story. Molly had her lapses, but she continued to ask God to fill her with His qualities.

Allan's visits became mutually pleasant experiences. He wanted to find what Molly had found. He asked her to explain the basis for the change in her.

Molly simply explained that she had become so preoccupied with Allan's misdeeds that she had become totally blind to her own.

When it dawned on her that her nastiness was her own doing, she confessed the fact to the Lord, asked Him to forgive her, to cleanse her, and to strengthen her with His Spirit. When she saw clearly that she had been blaming Allan for her choices, by an act of her own will she took responsibility for her choices.

"I was very wrong in the way I treated you, Allan," she said. "And I'm sorry. Please forgive me, and with God's help I mean to respond to you as a wife should. What you do in relation to God is your choice."

He went away convinced that Molly was laying a trap. Now, when Allan came over, he was looking for a fight. She took months of mistreatment in exchange for her friendly, quiet manner.

Finally, he was convinced that the new Molly had something, and one day, all alone, he asked Jesus to invade his life, forgive him for his adulterous, nasty, selfish ways and give him the Spirit Molly had.

Today they are united as a family. They found the key to contentment. They found that peace and love come from God, not from human relationships.

If they continue to turn Godward for the qualities that only He can give–love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control–they will become two indestructibles.

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Dr. Brandt’s insights and time-tested principles are available to you through his audio messages, transcripts, and books. This story is taken from Dr. Brandt’s book, “I Want Happiness Now!”

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The names and certain details in this true case history have been changed to protect each person’s identity and privacy.