Ask Henry >> Parenting Advice

A Father’s Influence

"You won't try to talk my son out of marrying this girl?" Jason Miller, a man in his late 40s, asked in desperation.

I reminded him that his son was 21 years old, and if he was determined to get married, no one could stop him.

Mr. Miller had tried to appeal to his son, then resorted to threats and ultimatums. But his son, Roger was unmoved.

"The girl is not our type," Jason insisted. "She doesn't even go to church."

After several counseling sessions, Jason came to realize some of the reasons why this tragedy was descending on his family.

"I warned my boy that by going with people outside the church he might marry the wrong girl," he said.

Mr. Miller may have warned his son, but he also allowed him to go with friends of his own choosing. He assumed that Roger would choose his parents' way of life. But at 21, Roger didn't suddenly reverse himself. He chose a wife from among his friends.

As we talked, it became clear that Jason was too absorbed in his own life to pay much attention to his son beyond an occasional lecture. Strangely enough, he was deeply involved in local and state high school Christian youth organizations.

"Why are you so absorbed with this work?" I asked.

He replied, "Can a man do anything better than reach youth for the Lord?" He so enjoyed planning and directing programs for other youth that he didn't have time to notice that his own son wasn't interested. It mattered little that Roger was choosing friends outside the church until Jason suddenly realized that Roger intended to marry.

"Your son is doing what he wants," I said, "just as you have been doing what you want."

Some weeks later the truth hit home for Jason that Roger had taken after him. He saw, too, that his refusal to accept the girl his son had chosen had made Roger more determined.

Six months later Mr. Miller wrote me: "Roger married Elaine, but God has done something wonderful for me, He filled my heart with love for that girl. This episode brought me to see that I was amusing myself rather than serving the Lord."

As often happens, it took a crisis for Jason Miller to see that he was a self-centered, demanding man. The magic result was that his son did the natural thing. He married an un-saved friend. Parents must "train up a child in the way that he should go" by life as well as by lecture.

Click here to let us know how this helped you.

 

Dr. Brandt’s insights and time-tested principles are available to you through his audio messages, transcripts, and books. 

Click here for a comprehensive list of resources related to this topic.

The names and certain details in this true case history have been changed to protect each person’s identity and privacy.