But what about the feuds and struggles that exist among you-where do you suppose they come from? Can’t you see that they arise from conflicting passions within yourselves? You crave for something and don’t get it; you are murderously jealous of what others have got and which you can’t possess yourselves; you struggle and fight with one another. You don’t get what you want because you don’t ask God for it. And when you do ask He doesn’t give it to you, for you ask in quite the wrong spirit-you only want to satisfy your own desires (James 4: 1-3).

Reproof, however, is good – like the surgeon’s scalpel or the dentist’s drill. The process is painful, but the result is health.
In human relations it appears more sensible – at least easier – to ignore one’s own fault or that of another. But the results are strained relations, strife, discord, and personal misery. A simple, effective alternative is, “If we walk in the light as He [God] is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus Christ His Son cleanses us from all sin” (1 John 1:7).

As the truth about you emerges from some probing stimulus, you will either face it directly or turn from it. You will mellow or harden, depending on what you choose to do about your discovery.
John wrote in his first epistle:

If we refuse to admit that we are sinners, then we live in a world of illusion and truth becomes a stranger to us. But if we freely admit that we have sinned, we find God utterly reliable and straightforward-He forgives our sins and makes us thoroughly clean from all that is evil. For if we take up the attitude, “we have not sinned,” we flatly deny God’s diagnosis of our condition and cut ourselves off from what He has to say to us (1 John 1:8-10).

You will get fleeting glimpses of your true self (and sometimes a very clear picture) as you interact with other people, as you read the Bible, as the ministry of others touches your life. The natural reaction is to shrink away from your findings. But you need not run from yourself and thereby add trouble on trouble. The resources of heaven are yours to apply against the character defects you discover. Jesus died to forgive your sins:
“In whom we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins” (Col. 1:14).

Furthermore, God will give you daily strength if you let Him:

“Present yourselves to God as being alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness to God. For sin shall not have dominion over you, for you are not under law but under grace” (Rom. 6:13-14).

“But now having been set free from sin, and having become slaves of God, you have your fruit to holiness, and the end, everlasting life” (Rom. 6:22).

“The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, long-suffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control” (Gal. 5:22-23).

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This information is an excerpt of chapter 3 from Dr. Brandt’s book The Struggle for Inner Peace currently available as an e-book.

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There is no one person as intimately involved in your life as your marriage partner. So, your partner will make you more conscious of your inner life than anyone else. How are you contributing to happiness in your marriage?

Attitude

With your partner in mind, consider these verses:

• But now you also, put them all aside: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and abusive speech from your mouth. Do not lie to one another, since you laid aside the old self with its evil practices, and have put on the new self who is being renewed to a true knowledge according to the image of the One who created him(Col. 3:8-10).
• On the other hand, with your partner in mind, consider these verses: Put on a heart of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience; bearing with one another, and forgiving each other, whoever has a complaint against any one; just as the Lord forgave you, so also should you (Col. 3:12-13).
• …be subjected one another in the fear of Christ (Eph. 5:21).

The will to cooperate is an important key to building self-respect. Cooperation implies that both husband and wife make the decision to dedicate time and effort in developing a mutually agreeable way of life.

Submission

No matter how committed you are to cooperate, it is inevitable that sooner or later you will become dead-locked over some decision. There is a way to settle a dead-lock if you are committed to resolve the divisions between you.

Someone must have the last word. The Bible says:

Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord (Eph. 5:22).

In the decision-making process, the wife should participate vigorously and forthrightly in the search for a mutually agreeable solution. The husband should think twice, or more, before going against his wife’s judgment. If the wife still disagrees with her husband’s tie-breaking decision, she should say so. The husband has two options when there is a deadlock: 1) Make the decision himself, or 2) Ask his wife to make it. Once done, both husband and wife submit to the decision and do all in their power to make it work.

Commitment

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her (Eph. 5:25).

As I travel around the country, I am appalled at the number of individuals who are walking away from their marriages and calling it quits.

If a man approaches his responsibility to marriage as Christ did toward the church, then the man will be committed until death. He will submit to the responsibility for maintaining a wholesome relationship with his wife. There may be a period of time–perhaps years–when he has no choice but to stand by a totally rebellious, obnoxious, rejecting, or immoral woman, whose behavior is not worthy of his loyalty. His self-respect will remain intact if he retains the will to make it work, even though all his efforts are rejected.

Conversely, the behavior of many husbands can be totally obnoxious, mean, self-centered, even immoral. They may make no effort to be responsible husbands. They may totally reject any responsibility for the marriage. Yet, the will to stay committed will sustain a woman’s self-respect.

…you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior (1 Peter 3:1-2).

Sexual Responsibility

Sexual response dies when there are deadlocks and ill-will between the partners. Accordingly, when you do not respond to one another, look elsewhere for the reason.

There is a specific directive in the Bible to guide you in managing your physical relations:

The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time that you may devote yourself to prayer, and come together again lest Satan tempt you because of your lack of self-control (1 Cor. 7:4-5).

Clearly, your partner’s wish is your commandment. Obviously, the spirit here is one of mutual concern for one another.

Marriage, like no other human relationship, will keep you up to date on the condition of your inner life. It is a personal decision, unrelated to marriage, whether or not you repent of a negative inner life, and allow God to flood your soul with His Spirit.

You build your own self-respect or self-love as you remain loyal, cooperative, submissive, and committed unto death to do all in your power to make the marriage work.

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This is an excerpt of Chapter 10 from Dr. Brandt’s book I Want Happiness Now!

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One part of your life that either builds self-respect or tears it down is behavior–the choices you make. Everyone is involved in a multitude of choices every day and your self-respect depends on the quality of your performance.

You do your best.
You do poorly.

You do it right.
You mess it up.

You do what is required.
You cheat.

You follow instructions.
You disobey.

You give it all you’ve got.
You do it half-heartedly.

You keep your agreements.
You go back on your word.

These and more are choices you make day after day, according to the principles that guide you.

Consider some statements from wise King David:

Knowledge of Sin

Thy word have I treasured in my heart, that I may not sin against Thee (Ps. 119:11).

Insight and Understanding

I have more insight than all my teachers, for Thy testimonies are my meditation. I understand more than the aged, because I have observed thy precepts. I have restrained my feet from every evil way, that I may keep Thy word (Ps. 119:99-101).

Peace and Stability

Those who love Thy law have great peace, and nothing causes them to stumble (Ps. 119:165).

The prophet Isaiah and the great leader Joshua add more insights:

Well-being and Righteousness

If only you had paid attention to My commandments! Then your well-being would have been like a river, and your righteousness like the waves of the sea (Isa. 48:18).

Prosperous and Successful

This book of the law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do according to all that is written in it; for then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have success Josh. 1:8).

Searching out all those commandments will lead you into a lifetime study of the Bible. Also, it will guide you into conduct pleasing to God and will contribute to your own self-respect.

That’s worth a lifetime of study! Why not commit yourself to a lifetime of doing what is right? Just as people who are physically fit spend a lifetime seeking out fitness principles and following them, so contented people learn the principles that will enable them to build self-respect…to love themselves.

The Bible furnishes us with some broad guidelines to help us make choices, but what it says puts the responsibility for our daily actions squarely on our own shoulders:

1. All things are lawful for me, but not all things are profitable…I will not be mastered by anything (1 Cor. 6:12).
2. All things are lawful, but not all things edify (1 Cor. 10:23).
3. To one who knows the right thing…and does not do it…it is sin(James 4: 17).
4. The work of righteousness will be peace, and the service of righteousness, quietness and confidence forever (Isa. 32: 17).

Every day of your life you make choices about what you will or will not do.

I’ve listened to countless stories in the counseling room of people who create tensions for themselves because of their own actions. No one knows their secret. But they know.

Consider what the Bible has to say:

Each one examine his own work…in regard to himself alone, and not in regard to another (Gal. 6:4).

Want to have no fear of authority? Do what is good, and you will have praise of the same…if you do what is evil, be afraid…for…an avenger…brings wrath upon the one who practices evil (Rom. 13:3-4).

I have found guilt is only a problem with people who pretend to be sorry for something they have done, but intend to do it again. Guilt is no problem to the repentant person, no matter what he has done, if there is a willingness not to repeat the mistake.

If you follow God’s commandments, you will watch your self-respect grow, and you will be on the way to becoming indestructible.

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This is an excerpt of chapter 4 from Dr. Brandt’s book I Want Happiness Now!

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The use of words is the most common subject that comes up in my consulting room. This is a difficult subject to write about, because words get tangled up with the emotions as well as with a person’s mental activity.

With words, we compliment and praise one another. Our words can be comforting, helpful, supportive, instructive, revealing all those good things that are on our minds.

On the other hand, words can cut, hurt, or tear someone up without leaving a mark. Words can be used to deceive, mislead, or conceal what is on your mind.

• They speak falsehood to one another; with flattering lips…they speak (Ps. 12:2).
• The tongue is a deadly arrow; it speaks deceit; with his mouth one speaks peace to his neighbor, but inwardly he sets an ambush for him (Jer. 9:8).
• Do you see a man who is hasty in his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him (Prov. 29:20).

Many people have long ago forgotten the spankings received as a child but can recall vividly some of the tongue lashings and hostile criticisms received along the way.

Married couples who seek counsel have long ago forgotten the tender words exchanged among themselves but can easily recall some of the stinging, sarcastic, critical, deceptive words that seem to weld themselves on their minds. As the Bible puts it:

• He who guards his mouth and his tongue, guards his soul from troubles (Prov. 21:23).
• And I say to you, that every careless word that men shall speak, they shall render account for it in the day of judgment. For by your words you shall be justified, and by your words you shall be condemned (Matt. 12:36-37).
• He who gives an answer before he hears, it is folly and shame to him (Prov. 18: 13).
• If anyone thinks himself to be religious, and yet does not bridle his tongue but deceives his own heart, this man’s religion is worthless (James 1:26).

The Bible makes it clear that hasty words, a fiery tongue, concealing your true thoughts, complaining, slandering, lying, and deceit, are unacceptable to God. Your own sense of self-respect depends in part on your knowledge of how you manage your own words.

The positive use of our words does not imply a spineless person who has no opinions or takes no action. We are surrounded by responsibility for employees, fellow laborers, family members, and friends. Frequently, everyone must deal with the evil intentions of other people.

Jesus, when instructing His disciples, taught them:

“Be on your guard! If your brother sins, rebuke him. . . and if he sins against you seven times a day, and returns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ forgive him” (Luke 17:3-4).

In his second letter to Timothy, Paul instructed him:

“Preach the word: be ready in season, and out of season; reprove, rebuke, exhort, with great patience and instruction” (2 Tim. 4:2).

So, along with David the psalmist, a good objective for anyone can be as he stated it:

“Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Thy sight, 0 LORD, my rock and my redeemer” (Ps. 19:14).

Some tips:

1. When you are aware that someone has something against you, it’s your move. Jesus says:

“If therefore you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember that you brother has something against you, leave your offering there before the altar, and go your way; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering” (Matt. 5:23-24).

2. When you have something against someone else, it’s your move. Jesus says again:

“If your brother sins, go and reprove him in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother. But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that by the mouth of two or three witnesses every fact may be confirmed. And if he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax-gatherer” (Matt. 18: 15-17).

What is Jesus saying? Simply that whether you have something against someone, or someone has something against you, either way it’s your move to go to that person and go out of your way to attempt a reconciliation.

If you use the Bible as your guide for your choice of words, you are on the road to building up your self-respect and becoming indestructible.

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This is an excerpt of chapter 6 from Dr. Brandt’s book I Want Happiness Now!

1.   Diet
2.   Sleep
3.   Exercise

You need knowledge about these areas so you provide time and expend energy to inform yourself of what is involved. Your interest is to act according to your knowledge.

There may be days when you are tempted to, or even choose to consciously behave in ways contrary to your knowledge. Then you renew your commitment to your goal and start over again.

If, on a daily basis, you do what is necessary, you are on your way to good physical health. No one else can do these things for you.

Likewise, if your goal is to build self-respect-or self-love, you also pay attention to some important details. You need knowledge, so you provide the time and energy to inform yourself of what is involved. Your intent is to act according to your knowledge. No one else can do this for you. Either you do this for yourself or it won’t be done.

If you neglect these areas you will sooner or later sense a dislike of yourself and your neighbor.

The Bible gives some broad, basic instructions for wholesome living. Jesus said:

“You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the great and foremost commandment”(Matt. 22:37-38).

How can you know if you love God that much?

Jesus answers that question:

If you love Me, you will keep My commandments(John 14:15).

If you seek physical health, you learn the fundamentals, get into shape, and strive constantly to stay in shape. The effort and the result is one of the delights of life. If you seek self-respect-or self-love-you learn the fundamentals, get into shape, and strive constantly to stay in shape. The effort and the result is one of the delights of your life.

Jesus said there is another very important commandment:

“You shall love your neighbor as yourself” (Matt 22:39).

I have spent a lifetime listening to the stories of people who don’t like themselves. As a result, they have problems loving other people. If you don’t love yourself, you are out of shape and unable to love your neighbor as Jesus commanded.

The details of why my clients don’t love themselves vary, but gradually I’ve become aware of recurring themes in these stories as people tell me how they have chipped away at their own self-respect, which leads to personal anxiety and misery as well as trouble with other people:

1.   Behavior
2.   Speech
3.   Reactions
4.   Thoughts
5.   Goals

To locate yourself–that is, to determine if your performance in each of these areas builds up or chips away at your self-respect–you need a standard to go by–a mirror. This book has used the Bible as the standard.

Hopefully, each chapter has whetted your appetite to know more, and you will search your Bible to enlarge your knowledge. I encourage you to review the chapters in this book again and again.

As your behavior, speech, reactions, thoughts, and goals come closer to matching God’s commandments, you will have a growing sense of self-respect and a growing love for your neighbor–and you will be on the road to becoming indestructible.

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This is the “Conclusion” from Dr. Brandt’s book I Want Happiness Now!

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