Continual change
The next time you go into a store, go to the rack where they sell paperback books and scan the titles and covers. Each of these is designed to attract your attention. The first few chapters may be most interesting. You can hardly put the book aside. As you read on, however, you may come to a very dull, uninteresting chapter. The story may take a turn that is most distasteful to you. You may even be tempted to lay the book aside because the story does not have much relationship to the cover or the title, which attracted you to the book in the first place.
Some marriages work out like this. A man and woman meet, develop a happy friendship, pledge their troth, and plunge into the responsibilities of making a living, rearing a family, and getting along with each other for the rest of their lives. The title “Marriage” has a magical sound. The outside cover presents an attractive picture. “And they lived happily ever after” is its fairy-tale theme. When we open the book however, and examine its details, we find many dull and even tragic chapters mixed with happy ones. You may even come to the point of dissatisfaction in your married life when you would just as soon toss the book aside.
In the upper room, the Lord Jesus said to His disciples:
“Behold, an hour is coming, and has already come, for you to be scattered, each to his own home, and to leave Me alone; and yet I am not alone, because the Father is with Me. These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world.” (John 16:32-33).
The disciples had no idea what Jesus was talking about, but very soon they were to experience the most unexpected event possible. This is true of life. There are unexpected, unplanned turns in the road. Some will be pleasant, some unpleasant. Regardless of the nature of future events, Jesus has promised us peace–a peace that comes from God, not from a stable, uneventful, consistent family life.
One of the dependable features of marriage is the certainty of uncertainty. One of the great tasks facing marriage partners is that of accepting the fact of change. In a marriage, there is a continual series of changing events which demand a constant adjustment of both husband and wife. Pregnancy, the arrival of each child, the absence of children, unexpected illnesses, death, job changes, promotions or demotions, moving, neighborhood changes, church responsibilities to assume or to give up, the shifting scene at school–these are some of the changes that come to each couple, with their corresponding adjustments.
At times, husbands or wives say of their partners, “This is not the person I married!” Of course not. Just as your children keep changing as they grow up, so do you. At the age of one, your children act one way; at two, another way; at three, still another way; at five, differently again. A married person certainly cannot complain about lack of variety. There is a continuous variety. We must remember, however, that a marriage sometimes will develop in one way when we want it to go in another way. At such times there may be periods of disorganization, when one solution is attempted, and then another, over a period of weeks or months. The chapters in a marriage are often unexpected and unpredictable. To expect an unchanging partner or unchanging circumstances, to expect to live “happily ever after” automatically as in the fairy tales, is not true for this life. To expect a permanent point of perfect adjustment and happiness is unrealistic. There is no family on earth that has had this experience. Continuous change is the normal experience in any marriage. This means that there must be continuous adjustment. This can be done with tenderness and compassion if you realize that the family is not a static organization. Marriage must be worked at. It just doesn’t tick along in perpetual, unhindered motion. Satisfactory adjustment requires proper and free communication. It means sharing joys, giving praise, and taking admonition or correction. It means you must strive for complete understanding among all the members of the family. This is not an easy way. However, it is a workable way and leads to a peaceful, joyful life together. When the unexpected happens to you, just remember that this is no exception. This is normal. Your peace and happiness depend on your relationship to God; and His peace is available during uncertain, unexpected times as well as during certain, stable times. You are not alone. The Father is with you.
Unity and agreement must be maintained. Paul says to us: “Therefore I, the prisoner of the Lord, implore you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling with which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, showing tolerance for one another in love, being diligent to preserve the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.” (Ephesians 4:1-3).
Dedication to this goal is only the beginning. A husband and wife have a lifelong task ahead of them. Any organization needs constant attention to keep it running smoothly. Any team must practice constantly together in order to win the game. A marriage, too, needs constant attention in order to preserve unity and agreement because changes occur inevitably in any marriage.