REBUKE AND FORGIVE
Suppose someone is repentant and still repeats undesirable behavior over and over. Our verse says to rebuke and forgive.
I found myself in this situation with my wife, Jo. Shortly after saying our marriage vows, we learned that some adjustments were necessary.
I was driving, and Jo was sitting next to me when she said, “Henry, would you please not drive so closely to the car in front of us?” I proceeded to defend my driving style and driving record, “Look, I haven’t had an accident in years, and I am in better passing condition when I am close to the next car.” She insisted that I was driving too close. We were clearly annoyed at each other.
Finally I saw the light. How selfish of me to ignore her request and not make driving with me more relaxing for her. I agreed to open the distance between our car and the one we were following. But I learned that driving habits are not easily changed. I would unthinkingly lapse into my old habits. Often I would remind myself; if I didn’t, Jo surely would. There were some trips when I needed to repent seven times in a day. After weeks of catching myself and Jo rebuking me, I’ve developed the habit of staying the proper distance from the car in front of me. Occasionally, I need to correct and “walk in the Spirit.” She needs to rebuke and forgive.
We had another adjustment to make. Jo had a habit of taking off her glasses and laying them on her lap, a table, a car seat, or any other handy place. They would then slide off her lap and disappear, or she would forget where she left them. She was constantly looking for them.
This was unacceptable to me. I felt something simple could be done to solve the problem. She reluctantly agreed to put them in her purse when she took them off when she was away from home. At home, there were two designated places for them. If I saw her put them down anywhere else, I would remind her on the spot. For a while it was a case of reminding her many times every day. Her response wasn’t very friendly, and neither was my response to her response. We both had to repent of our bad attitudes. But the “rebuke-repent” process worked. It quickly became apparent that knowing where her glasses were was worth the effort on both of our parts.
These adjustments made it clear that we both needed to walk “in the Spirit” and we need to maintain a “rebuke-repent” process to deal with occasional lapses.
I met with a man who came to see me regarding his wife. He had married a door slammer. She would slam the car door as hard as she could. She’d slam the front door, the kitchen cupboard doors, the bedroom doors, the bathroom door, and any other door she needed to close. He would wince whenever she approached a door. He could hardly stand it anymore.
“Have you talked to her about it?” I asked.
“No, we have only been married a few months. If I criticize her it may hurt her self-image. I am trying to encourage her.”
I called his attention to Galatians 6:1. No need to be critical. The Lord will help him to be gentle. There is no way for her to know what is in his mind if he doesn’t tell her.
When he asked her to close the doors more gently, she was quite willing to comply. She had no idea that this behavior troubled him; he was greatly relieved. She then got up out of her chair and went to the bedroom and slammed the door. She was truly willing to change, but slamming doors was so much of a habit she did it without thinking. She actually needed to repent seven times a day, and he needed to forgive her just as often. But with two of them working together, she changed her behavior in a few weeks. It took two spiritual people who worked together to solve a problem.
What do you do about unacceptable behavior that may be repeated seven times in a day? First, you walk in the Spirit. It is a fallacy to blame someone else’s behavior for your anger or resentment. This is a sin. Your spirit involves God and you. Second, there needs to be a change of behavior. You need to rebuke, that is, describe the unacceptable behavior. Third, you need to deal with the person’s response. If there is repentance, you forgive. If there is improvement, you praise. But what if there is no change? What then?
What should your response be if someone says they are sorry, but repeats the same behavior day in and day out? You may need to conclude that “I am sorry” is meaningless. What you do about it depends on the relationship. Are you dealing with a child, a parent, your partner, a friend, an employee? Certainly, you need to walk in the Spirit. Depending on the relationship, you may need to reward, praise, punish, remind, train or even fire someone.
In my case, I simply needed to get out from under the wing. My assignment to hold a rope provided me with some insight into my own heart and the chance to learn a new lesson about communication and forgiveness (and how to avoid a bump on the head!).