ARRESTED FOR DRUNK DRIVING
Joe and Martha enjoyed the growing up years of their son, Mike—his fun personality and bright mind. However, in high school he began withdrawing from the family. They passed it off as a phase in his life and probably due to peer pressure at school, but this only increased in his college years.
At the age of twenty, after two years in college and while home for the summer, the problem came to a head.
About 1:00 a.m. they received a phone call. Mike said, “You’d better come down here.” He had been speeding while drunk with three buddies in the car. He missed a right angle turn, drove off the end of the street into a driveway, rear-ended a parked car, shoved it through the corner of the garage, and wrecked his own car beyond repair.
Mike was arrested, charged with drunk driving, and was being held at the police station. They would not release him, so his father returned home about 2:30 a.m.
Martha and Joe slept no more that night, facing the reality that their son had emotionally departed some time ago. Band-aids would not work; major changes were needed now. They finally concluded that they loved Mike so much and were willing to do whatever was necessary to help, including fight for him.
Neither Mike nor his buddies were good for each other and their relationships should end. They realized that this might not be acceptable to him, and he may leave as a result.
They decided if he tried to leave, to stop him; and if he did leave, to go after him. In order to lose their son, he would have to reject their love. It would not be because they didn’t love him enough to fight for him.
His father had to face another tough truth. He knew what he should do, but he had no confidence; his track record was not good, and his judgment was too subjective.
Considering how important it was to make the right choices, they called me, an old friend who lived three thousand miles away in Florida. We sat around the kitchen table while I asked questions and took notes. After about an hour and a half, I knew enough to say what they each needed to hear.
“Joe, you have been foolish and need to repent. You said you knew Mike was not going in the right direction, but compared to yourself at his age, he wasn’t doing too bad. Since when were you, at that age, God’s standard for anybody? You also said you didn’t want to drive Mike away. Mike, did you know your dad didn’t want to drive you away?”
Mike nodded.
“Martha, you have been foolish and need to repent. You have been trying to make your son happy. Stop playing God. Mike, did you know your mother wanted to make you happy?”
Mike nodded again.
Then I said, “Joe and Martha, you have a reasonably intelligent twenty-year-old son who has figured that his dad doesn’t want to drive him away and his mother wants to make him happy. He’s been playing that for all it’s worth.
“Your home has been a training center, but your son has been the trainer—training his parents in the way he wants them to go. Allow what he wants, and he rewards you with a good attitude. Inhibit what he wants, and he penalizes you with a bad attitude. Your son has been controlling this home by his attitude.”
I then turned to Mike. “Mike, you are an angry, deceitful young man. That’s not my opinion but what you have revealed about yourself and I recorded in my notes. I don’t need to meet your friends to know what they’re like. They’re just like you—that’s why they are your friends.
“Mike, if you don’t repent, I predict this is your future: You will find some attractive young woman who is just like you. You’ll seem to have a lot in common, think you’re in love, marry, and then turn your anger and deceitfulness on each other and ruin each other’s lives.”
Looking at all three of them, I continued, “You each need to repent, but then you each need to change. You will each need help to change, and you will each resist the help you need. However, if you don’t receive the help to change, you will revert into the habit patterns that made this mess in the first place.”
After that I could only say, “Well, I can’t repent for you, so you might as well take me to the airport.”
Martha and Joe repented, but Mike seemed cold and unresponsive until a couple of days later. He seemed so matter-of-fact, saying that he had repented and never really meant to hurt his parents. Although they had difficulty believing him, they perceived the counsel they had received had the ring of truth.
They realized that in the fall, Mike should enroll in a school that would provide the helpful environment he needed in order to change.
Of course, Mike did not want that kind of school environment; he wanted to continue living off campus, accountable to no one. Yet at the same time, Mike didn’t want to continue as he had been.
He resisted; we persisted. Mike enrolled in a school with rules, and lived on campus in a dorm with “nosey dorm leaders.”
Their family struggled through a number of tear-filled times, but they didn’t give up.
Imagine their surprise, when after getting his bachelor’s in English, Mike decided to stay in the same school (with rules) and to pursue another degree in counseling. He chose another school (with rules) for his master’s in counseling and then gained his doctorate at one of the leading universities in the nation. He is now married to a lovely Christian, and they are about to have their first child. The core problem was with the parents even more so than with their son. He was more willing to receive correction and direction than they had been able or willing to provide it.
Does such a brief encounter as I had with this family have lasting results? Well, this occurred ten years ago, and to date, all is well with Mike.
Do not underestimate the cleansing power available when anyone approaches God as a repentant sinner who has seen the sin and wants to be restored and renewed. It doesn’t take God long to transform a humble person.