Reconciliation
The time comes in a marriage when differences arise. The conversation, action, or attitude of your partner is not appreciated. Your partner will be grateful to know about this if the basic relationship between you is a healthy one. Paul wrote to the Romans, “And concerning you, my brethren, I myself also am convinced that you yourselves are full of goodness, filled with all knowledge and able also to admonish one another” (Romans 15:14). Partners dedicated to building a united marriage can each assume that the other will appreciate an admonition and will be willing to consider revising his behavior in a way that is mutually acceptable. There is a great difference between peace and the kind of cold, brittle silence that develops when partners have unspoken, unrevealed differences between them. The “silent treatment” is a far cry from unity and peace.
Take the initiative in restoring unity
It is well to review the order of our loyalties. Our first duty is to love God with all our heart, and all our soul, and all our mind. If we wish to please Him, we will be careful to maintain unity with the brethren. The Lord Jesus gave us the basis for maintaining good relations. Note Matthew 5:23-24. If your partner has anything against you, it is your move to be reconciled. It is inconceivable to think of quarreling and divisions as a part of the lives of a Christian couple. Christianity and quarreling do not go together. If you are conscious of doing something that is offensive to your partner, it is your responsibility to go to him or her and be reconciled. This is one principle of good Christian living. Otherwise, your service to God is unacceptable.
Jesus gave another principle in Matthew 18:15-17. Here the shoe is on the other foot. Now your partner is at fault. It is still your move. A Christian ought to be so desirous of achieving unity that, failing to find a basis of reconciliation alone, an attempt will be made to seek help from one or two others. Failing this, the Christian ought to turn to the Church. This is going a long, long way to be reconciled.
“You who are spiritual” — a necessary caution
There is a caution, however, stated by Paul:
“Brethren, even if anyone is caught in any trespass, you who are spiritual, restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness; each one looking to yourself, so that you too will not be tempted” (Galatians 6:1)
Who is it that is to go to a man taken in a fault? “You who are spiritual.” A man who has the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23) operative in his life is qualified to go to one taken in a fault and to deal with it.
This principle applies to partners also. Why must this be so? You may have the best of intentions in approaching your partner about some fault. However, it is possible that your partner will be sensitive about it–or resent your approach, try to argue, or say things that aren’t complimentary. If your response is in anger or if your good intentions result in your becoming embroiled in an argument, then no progress has been made toward unity. If you match malice with malice–if you are satisfying the flesh yourself–your reaction will be fleshly if you are faced by a partner who is not in the best of spirits. It is the spiritual person who can take a tongue lashing in the right way. An individual with faults of his own should look after his own and not after those his partner may have. You must approach your partner “looking to yourself, so that you too will not be tempted.”
You will save yourself many tensions, troubles, and difficulties if you follow through on the Biblical rules for getting along together. Your approach should be with the assumption that your partner is “full of goodness” and happy for any admonition that will aid in the clearer understanding between you. Your approach should be with the purpose that “if possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men” (Romans 12:18).
Your approach should be with the intent of being reconciled and not to give vent to pent-up, negative emotions. If your partner’s response is in anger, it is your good spirit that is important.
When differences come, there is the tendency to leave your first love for God, to forsake prayer, to turn to the arm of the flesh for a solution. To win your point becomes the important goal. The effort at reconciliation, carried out in the flesh, will result in failure to adjust to change. Partners may turn away from making an adjustment. Or they may try and fail. When they realize that an adjustment cannot be made, this is a red light. If neglected, this will destroy the marriage. This is called the incipient stage. It is at this point that the partners ought to turn to someone qualified to give counsel, before deep hostility and tensions develop. Otherwise, they will attempt to evade or forget the area of conflict. They may try to insulate it by ignoring it. They may treat the conflict as a sensitive spot that they try not to touch. Conflicts or differences may not arise over such matters as extreme cruelty or immorality. They can be differences over such things as neatness, cleanliness, clothing, and friends. One young couple agreed to buy the most expensive car, but disagreed violently over keeping candy or peanuts in a dish in the living room. There is a limit to the number of conflicts so treated. This is not a happy marriage. Both husband and wife feel hostility that cannot be released; they feel upset or disappointed.
Soon one of them begins to lose heart and hope. Marriage is not meeting his or her basic needs. A partner will soon begin to wonder how else these needs can be met and will look for outlets outside the marriage. Willingness to work for the marriage dies out. This is called the chronic stage. The road back to unity and peace is mapped for you in Lesson 4.
“Be kind one to another…”
However, there is a more positive note. Your marriage will be a happy, mutually satisfactory one if both of you set your sights on unity, ministering to each other, and communicating with each other in the proper spirit, which is given by God. As Christians, you will find strength to do this as you pray and as you remember the exhortation of Ephesians 4:32:
“Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.”