Search Results for: Natural Inner Reactions

Lesson 3

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EVERYONE SEEKS CONTENTMENT

Almost everyone who comes to my consulting room has been in pursuit of the advantages of life, but something or someone went wrong.

Their contentment and sense of self-worth or self-respect has been shattered. If self-respect and self-worth is intact, then the loss of contentment is attributed to the behavior of the offending person or to the circumstances that have shifted to one’s disadvantage.

PLAYING THE ADVANTAGES-DISADVANTAGES GAME?

Let me list some of the advantages we may be chasing and some of the disadvantages we are trying to eliminate.

 

My clients tell me that advantages (or overcoming the disadvantages) do not lead to contentment, joy, peace, or a sense of self-worth and self-respect.

We watch the lives of the famous and the popular end in misery. The same goes for the healthy, the educated, the rich, the powerful.

It’s a frustrating world. Mechanical failures, impolite and careless people, social errors, noisy children, misunderstandings, and poor planning seem to make us angry-–in spite of advantages.

Some years ago, a nationally respected head of the family relations department of a university put a bullet through his head. He was educated but miserable.

SEPARATE CARS

One couple came to consult with me in separate cars because they couldn’t stand to be in the same car together. One car was a Cadillac, the other a Mercedes.

They lived in a professionally decorated, color-coordinated house. They had unlimited wealth but couldn’t purchase friendship.

Another client had responsibility for several thousand employees. He had plenty of power but he couldn’t command tension and bitterness to leave his body.

THE GAME PRODUCES LOSERS

By now you get my point. Surely, anyone would prefer to be educated, wealthy, powerful, and contented rather than uneducated, poor, powerless, and contented.

Nothing against advantages, you understand. But it is clear that advantages are just that–advantages. They, in themselves, do not produce contentment, joy, peace, a sense of self-worth or self-respect. If you play the advantages-disadvantages game, you’ll always come up a loser.

That’s quite a statement. If advantages don’t produce these inner qualities, what does?

How can you be a Christian and be contented? How can you be famous and happy? Rich and at peace with yourself? Single and content? Married and happy? Poor and still enthusiastic about life? No beauty queen, yet with a good self-image?

There is an answer.

The next few pages may be a bit heavy reading, but they will launch us into finding the key to contentment. Jesus gives us the key in a reply to a question put to Him by a lawyer who asked:

Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law? And He said to him: “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the great and foremost commandment. And a second is like it. You shall love your neighbor as yourself” (Matthew 22:36-39).

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(Note: A downloadable PDF copy of this lesson is available on the last page.)

 

What is the key to mental health? How do you achieve and maintain peace of mind? Must you be at the mercy of your circumstances? Is it inevitable that a chance meeting can plunge you into the depths of despair?

Jerome Weller was a happy, successful man–he thought. Then by meeting someone he hadn’t seen for 12 years he was, as if by magic, transported backward in time. Even though he sat at his expensive desk in his plush office, with the words “General Manager” on his door and several secretaries at his call, in his mind he was back in Trenton, a bitter, sweating, aching, confused young man who had been fired as the reward for working hard and living a clean life. He was reliving those days in which he lost his car and house and underwent the humiliating experience of moving in with his parents because he was broke. Sitting there now in air-conditioned comfort, this man who ran eight plants and directed the work of hundreds of men had only one thought–-revenge.

But the Bible commands, “Repay no one evil for evil. Have regard for good things in the sight of all men. If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men. Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, ‘Vengeance is Mine; I will repay,’ says the Lord” (Rom. 12:17-19).

Mr. Weller knew about these verses. We had also discussed Jesus’ words: “Love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you” (Matt. 5:44).

Were these thoughts a challenge to Mr. Weller? Not at first. They were in the Bible, to be sure, and Mr. Weller was a sincere and consistent Bible student. But right at that time these ideas were most unpalatable. To fire his old opponent was a thought that gave him much pleasure. Revenge, vengeance, evil for evil, success, a plush office, money, power–-these had not changed his vengeful heart.

He had nearly forgotten the lean years more than a decade ago. But now they came flooding back, and he had to choose to forgive or retaliate. The decision was up to him. It was his reaction to the past that would tip the balance.

He could not control some of the events of his life. He was the victim of someone’s decision 12 years before, no question of that. Now it appeared he was again a victim, this time of a personnel director’s decision to hire the one who had wronged him. Suddenly, there the man was, and successful, happy Mr. Weller was plunged into the depths of bitterness and hate.

It appears that circumstances and people dictated Mr. WeIler’s problem. But he was the one who did the reacting. His problem was within himself. Would he forgive or get even? It was obvious that the decision to retaliate would not be the key to his peace of mind. Since we know the outcome of his case, we recognize that the key to peace was his receiving from the Lord the power to forgive.

Peacemakers or Flame-Fanners?

Mr. Weller illustrates the struggle men go through to find peace. Bitterness, hatred, and revenge are natural responses to troublesome people and events. But how much better it is to think in terms of making peace, rather than planning someone’s destruction. Christ said: “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God” (Matt. 5:9).

Who would think Mr. Weller weak if he forgave the engineer who had wronged him? To forgive is a mark of maturity. And spiritual maturity brings peace, as the psalmist indicated: “Mark the blameless [mature] man, and observe the upright; for the future of that man is peace” (Ps. 37:37).

Do not avenge yourselves; live peaceably with all men; love, bless, forgive. These words place the responsibility for your decision squarely on your own shoulders. This is the essence of good mental health–-it depends on you. You reap the results of your own decisions, your own reactions.

To get out of the gloomy pit of despair, bitterness, hostility, jealousy, and the accompanying aches, pains, and misery, you must take personal responsibility for your own character, no matter what someone else does–-or did. If a man is miserable, it is his choice. His woe is not the result of his background, or the people around him, or his environment, but of a choice, either deliberate or vague, to continue in the direction that he has been heading.

Mr. Weller could have chosen either to forgive or to seek revenge. His misery or peace was due to his choice, which came from within, just as sickness is within a man. A person may have caught cold because he entered the company of persons who had colds. The reason for his cold can be explained. But since he caught a cold, he must be treated for his own cold, no matter how he got it.

So it is with unhappiness. No matter the origin (and the unhappy person can usually explain how he got that way), it is now his responsibility and his alone to take proper steps to correct the condition that is causing his unhappiness. But it should be mentioned here that understanding alone, without changing one’s course, is a dead-end street.

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(Note: A downloadable PDF copy of this lesson is available on the last page.)

 

Another “mental mechanism,” or means of getting your own way,  is regression. To regress is simply to revert to childish ways of reacting to unpleasant situations.

How does a child get his own way? A couple in church were trying to keep their two-year-old quiet. The little fellow insisted on standing up in the pew, but his father wanted him to sit down. The boy slipped from the seat and started to crawl into the aisle. The father picked him up and forcibly held him on his lap. The child then let out a shriek; despite both parents’ frantic efforts to quiet him he continued crying loudly. There was nothing to do but for the father to hurry out of the church with the boy.

The youngster won the round, even if it meant he would get a spanking. He wanted to get free from the confinement of the pew, and he did.

A child will resort to tears, screams, temper tantrums, or sulking to get his way. He will break things, fight, throw up, refuse to eat, or become generally hard to manage. He finds that such methods work amazingly well in getting what he wants. Because of past successes, he is reluctant to give up his tried and proven means to an end.

But, as he grows, he learns that his childish techniques must be abandoned or at least restrained; he learns that other people have rights that must be respected. He discovers that to live happily, he must accept the fact that he cannot always satisfy his wants and desires. He learns, for example, that honor, respect, praise, and love come not from demand or by force, but because they are earned by work, honest effort, and continuous adjustment to changing circumstances.

Childish Behavior by “Grown-ups”

The person who progresses steadily from childhood into adulthood shifts gradually and quite normally with the situations of life. Sometimes, however, a person will meet rebuffs, disappointments, failure, or tragedy with regressive behavior.

Janet Dean keeps an immaculate house–-but her method is to “clam up” if someone walks across her carpet with dusty shoes. Her husband, who is not so fussy about how the house looks, has learned that he is better off if he spends his spare time tinkering with his tools in the basement instead of sitting in the living room. He doesn’t want to run the risk of upsetting his wife.

Mrs. Dean rules the roost; she controls a big, strong, rugged man by the simple device of resorting to a childish form of behavior–-pouting.

Jim Carver appears to be a placid man. But those who know him intimately are fully aware that if things go against his liking, he will lose his temper. As his associates give in to his demands, it may appear that they agree with him. But all they are doing is preventing a nasty storm from developing. Hence, he controls a situation by merely threatening to regress to childish behavior.

A business executive came running down one of the long corridors of Chicago’s O’Hare International Airport. Breathlessly he approached the agent at the gate, presented his ticket, and inquired if his plane had departed. The agent shook his head; the executive was too late.

“That’s my plane out there, isn’t it?” he demanded, pointing to a jet on the concrete apron. Yes, it was his plane. But all preparations had been made for departure and the jet was beginning to taxi away from the boarding site.

“Maybe you don’t know who I am,” said the man. He was an important officer in a large corporation. The agent said he was sorry, but there was nothing he could do. Then, with perhaps 100 persons looking on, the executive exploded.

“I warn you, if you don’t get me on that plane, I’ll personally see that your airline suffers where it hurts–right in the pocketbook! And I’ll see that you’re the first to suffer.”

The executive worked himself into a frenzy, embarrassing himself in front of the agent and spectators. But his blustering behavior did nothing for him–-except to chip away at his own self-respect.

Sometimes regressive behavior works; sometimes it doesn’t. But even when it succeeds in achieving an objective, it leaves the one who uses it with at least a vague disappointment in himself.

Many of the unhappy people who seek the help of a counselor are getting all they want; but they wake up to the fact that they are out on a limb alone thanks to their childish behavior. Other people avoid or ignore them. Some put up with them for the sake of politeness, or because they have something to gain for their tolerance.

Getting your own way by hysteria, by bullying, by vengeful silence, by cleverness and scheming does not give you contentment. Yet how often we attempt to get our own way by any means we think will work.

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(Note: A downloadable PDF copy of this lesson is available on the last page.)

 

The Carters were discussing a friend whom they admired. “He is such a cheerful person; you always find him in a good mood. ”

As they talked, the telephone rang. Mrs. Carter answered it; when she hung up she said to her husband, “That was Cliff Brown. Alice had her baby last night–-a girl, just what they wanted. Cliff is walking on air.”

In describing a person’s response to life–-your own or someone else’s–you speak of feelings and emotions. When looked at objectively, these tell much about the person. In your own case, you might well regard your emotions as guideposts on the route to self-discovery.

If your response to an unexpected change, a challenging idea, or just the daily routine is a positive one, you may use one or more of these words to describe your emotions: happy, cheerful, delighted, in high spirits, in a good mood, elated, thrilled, cordial, warm-hearted, enthusiastic, inspired, comfortable, glad, merry, pleased, joyful, overjoyed, gentle, affectionate, peaceful, long-suffering, meek, temperate, tender, forgiving, in accord, forbearing, genial.

But of course there is also a negative response. When in a good mood, Ted is a pleasant person to be around, but if you catch him when he’s mad–-look out!

“I can tell his mood by the way he shuts the door,” his wife says. “If he nearly breaks the window in slamming it, I brace myself for his first gripe.”

And come it will–followed by other complaints. “Why don’t you make those kids keep their bicycles out of the driveway?” “Turn off that TV. There’s racket enough around here without that thing adding to it!” “Women drivers! They should be kept off the highways after 3:00 in the afternoon!”

Negative responses such as these can cause much misery in life. Edward Strecker and Kenneth Appel have compiled a list of words that people use to describe anger:

When the presence of anger is detected in a person we say he is mad, bitter, frustrated, griped, fed up, sore, hot under the collar, excited (now don’t get excited), seething, annoyed, troubled, inflamed, indignant, antagonistic, exasperated, vexed, furious, provoked, hurt, irked, sick (she makes me sick), pained (he gives me a pain), cross, hostile, ferocious, savage, vicious, deadly, dangerous, offensive.

Then, since anger is energy and impels individuals to do things intending to hurt or destroy, there is a whole series of verbs which depict actions motivated by anger: to hate, wound, damage, annihilate, despise, scorn, disdain, loathe, vilify, curse, despoil, ruin, demolish, abhor, abominate, desolate, ridicule, tease, kid, get even, laugh at, humiliate, goad, shame, criticize, cut, take out spite on, rail at, scold, bawl out, humble, irritate, beat up, take for a ride, ostracize, fight, beat, vanquish, compete with, brutalize, curse, offend, bully (Discovering Ourselves, Macmillan, pp. 114-115).

Emotions and Physical Change

Whether the emotion is positive or negative, pleasant or unpleasant, it produces physical changes in the body that are familiar to everyone. The heartbeat increases; breaths are shorter; muscles grow tense; digestion is affected; a person perspires and undergoes glandular changes that put him on the alert.

Think what happens to a child when he becomes excited, particularly when the excitement continues over a period of time. Six-year-old John begged his father to take him to the airport. One night his father said he would take him the next day. How excited John became! After tossing in his sleep, he was awake bright and early. He could hardly sit through school, his body was so tense. He talked airport and airplanes to his schoolmates, his teachers, the traffic officer on the corner, to anyone who would listen.

About 5:00 that evening, he jumped up and down and clapped his hands when he saw his father drive up.

“Dad’s here! Dad’s here!” He whipped out of the house to the car. Before his father could get out, he asked, “We’re still going, aren’t we, Dad? Aren’t we?”

“Of course we’re going,” his dad replied. John ran back into the house with a shout. He only picked at his supper. His body did not require much food under the circumstances.

Jan looked forward to a date with the young man she thought was the most popular in the entire school. All day long she was keyed up. Her appetite disappeared. Even her memory became faulty. Her mother had given her a chore to do that she forgot about due to her excitement over the date. Neither could she study.

The doorbell rang. She heard his voice. Her excitement was at a high point. Her heart began to pound, her hands to sweat. Her face flushed. Making a last check of makeup, she found that her hands trembled. She experienced evident bodily changes that brought a pleasant sensation.

Larry was elated. He had a date, doubling with a buddy and his girlfriend. He whistled and sang as he prepared to leave. His father had given him the car for the evening, and it had been no task at all to get it cleaned up for the occasion.

But when Larry drove in that night he was glum and disgusted. What had happened? His girl was late; the food bill was high; his friend and his friend’s date got into an argument. The evening had been a flop. What a switch from the elation he had enjoyed as he was getting ready! His feelings had changed from pleasant to unpleasant, and so did his bodily functions.

You can easily see that emotions, whether pleasant or unpleasant, cause you to do something–jump up and down, sit and fret, pace the floor. The bodily changes, however, must return to normal for you to be comfortable and at ease. Where nature is not thwarted, this usually occurs with a minimum of effort. A child who has had an exciting day drops into his bed at night in sheer exhaustion.

With adults, letting nature take its course is often not so easily done. But returning to balance is no less essential for them than for children. Even the tenderest of emotions, pleasant as they are, must subside, allowing bodily processes to revert to normal.

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(Note: A downloadable PDF copy of this lesson is available on the last page.)

 

What is your reaction when a friend confides, “I’m going to be very frank. There’s something about you that I wish were not true”?

Do you grasp his hand and pull him to a chair so he can sit down and tell you your shortcoming? Do you fairly shout for joy that here is another glimpse of your true nature, that you are about to take the first step toward peace:  self-discovery?

If he has a compliment, you are only too glad to have him say it; you don’t even draw him apart from the crowd to hear it. But how hard it is to have your faults pointed out.

Much study has been given to the best ways of dealing with a person’s faults. An often-used approach is to first give the person realistic praise in order to soften the criticism that follows. Dale Carnegie taught that if you want to win friends and influence people you should not criticize at all. He had a point. The average person resists facing up to his faults. Quite likely he will reject the person who points out his error.

Jesus Christ gave the precise explanation for this when He said: “For everyone practicing evil hates the light and does not come to the light, lest his deeds should be exposed” (John 3:20). Man possesses a natural dislike for rebuke. He has a built-in resistance to seeing his shortcomings.

We react to reproof as we react to pain. The tendency is to shrink away, to protect ourselves from what we wish were not so. James bluntly described our sinful nature in his epistle:

But what about the feuds and struggles that exist among you–where do you suppose they come from? Can’t you see that they arise from conflicting passions within yourselves? You crave for something and don’t get it; you are murderously jealous of what others have got and which you can’t possess yourselves; you struggle and fight with one another. You don’t get what you want because you don’t ask God for it. And when you do ask He doesn’t give it to you, for you ask in quite the wrong spirit–you only want to satisfy your own desires (James 4:1-3, PH).

The Necessity of Reproof

Reproof, however, is good–like the surgeon’s scalpel or the dentist’s drill. The process is painful, but the result is health.

A man in our town suffered ill health for a year. He was one who didn’t like to go to doctors; he was afraid they might tell him something he did not want to hear. When the man could no longer stand the pain, he visited a physician who informed him he suffered from a malignancy that would kill him within a few months.

“There might have been good hope for your recovery if you had come sooner,” the doctor said.

This man had hated to face the truth. He believed that by denying he suffered or by ignoring the pain, he somehow would get by. But he died–right on schedule.

In human relations, it appears more sensible–at least easier–to ignore one’s own fault or that of another. But the results are strained relations, strife, discord, and personal misery. A simple, effective alternative is, “If we walk in the light as He [God] is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus Christ His Son cleanses us from all sin” (1 John 1:7).

A variety of sources will shed light on your pathway, primarily the Bible. King David said: “Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path” (Ps. 119:105). The Apostle Paul wrote that “by the law is the knowledge of sin” (Rom. 3:20). Humanly speaking, when you step from darkness into light, your first impulse is to close your eyes or turn away. I have found that when we approach the Bible and it reproves us, the response is similar. One wants to turn away because the feeling is unpleasant. It was Jesus who commented about His own words:

Heaven and earth will pass away, but My words will by no means pass away (Matt. 24:35). Blessed are those who hear the word of God and keep it (Luke 11:28). It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh profits nothing. The words that I speak to you are spirit, and they are life (John 6:63). Sanctify them by Your truth. Your word is truth (John 17:17).

Studying the Bible is a sure way to get at the truth about yourself, but it takes some effort and no one can force you to study it.

The daily requirements of marriage, or the give-and-take situations that arise between college roommates, or the necessity for members of a committee or an athletic team to work in harmony, can likewise be immensely helpful to the individual who would get at the bottom of his problem.

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